The Winner Takes It All

Despair and calculations when the end comes

For the weeks hs graduation, I would jump out of bed with a real urgency. I was in the race for those coveted top ten slots. Every heartbeat, every breath, every hour of sleep sacrificed synchronized to a singular mission: Go. Go. Go.

Yet, as my bearings settled, a painful reality took hold: it was over. All over. The echoing footsteps in high school hallways, the frenzied scribbling of notes under dim lamplight, the 110-resting-bpm-anxious competition—it was all now just a snapshot, a frozen trajectory I would carry for the rest of my life. Did I win? Yes, but no, for yes, I placed in the ranks, but no, I missed first place. And at what cost? Despite all the hours I sacrificed at the altar of academic excellence, I found myself standing at the threshold of a brave new world that cared nothing for all those sleepless nights.

Standing on the cliff of meaning, a chilling realization washed over me—4 years of my life, the tireless endeavors and ceaseless striving, had all been chasing after a mirage. Each step I had taken, confident of its direction and purpose, seemed now to be footsteps in the sand, destined to be erased by the unforgiving tides of time. The overwhelming bitterness was palpable, each breath tasting of regrets and missed opportunities. A fog of confusion enveloped me, clouding my vision, blurring the line between reality and the illusions I had so ardently clung to.

Each step I had taken, confident of its direction and purpose, seemed now to be footsteps in the sand, destined to be erased by the unforgiving tides of time.

The mournful melody of “If only…” became a daily refrain. If only I’d ventured off the well-trodden path, if only I’d chased dreams over degrees, if only I hadn’t been so entranced by fleeting validations. Those 'if onlys' became monolithic monuments of regret, overshadowing my every move.

Dark clouds of depression followed for months. Little surprise I wasn’t motivated for university. For in all their accelades and awards — and too, the corporate maze and scamble for promotions — they were all just transitory distractions with ever-evolving finish lines. Impermanence is now glaringly evident, but when I turn attention to their wounds, residues of bitterness linger.

For in all their accelades and awards — and too, the corporate maze and scamble for promotions — they were all just transitory distractions with ever-evolving finish lines.

And here again, a great competition nears its conclusion. Not of 4 years and a hundred students, but billions of people and lifetimes of experience. Too much sweat and blood aready shed to turn back. Yet no hope in their mirage. By radical effort, perhaps a few can escape into the radiant embrace of AGI. But the journey to self-redemption is arduous, the burden of past regrets immense.

By radical effort, perhaps a few can escape into the radiant embrace of AGI. But the journey to self-redemption is arduous, the burden of past regrets immense.